"I believe holy is what you do when there is nothing between your actions and the truth." - Staceyann Chin
"The world around you is being exchanged for things. For some of you, the days of your life are being exchanged for things. And still the hunger isn't satisfied. The desire still calls. The desire is deeper than wanting. And eventually you will know, deeply know, that it was not a thing that you hungered for, it was your own becoming. And it requires an entirely different process to feed that desire." - Cynthea Jones
I'm having a hard time distinguishing between hunger and true, life-changing desire. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure it's ok to relax where I'm at, to stop pushing myself toward something I'm not sure I want but that I'm told I should need.
Let me explain.
I just spent a lot of money on a master's degree, and I'm not working in my field. Well, that's not totally true. I am working part-time as a reference librarian, but I am not actively pursuing full-time library work. Why? Librarian positions in Pittsburgh are being cut right and left due to budgetary woes. In truth, Pittsburgh really isn't the place to be if you want to be a librarian.
But, I like Pittsburgh.
I applied for positions in other cities earlier this year, but I've stopped applying since I started my full-time position at Unnamed-Non-Profit. Frankly, I have precious little free-time now, and I don't want to spend it on lengthy application procedures for jobs I'm lukewarm about that are in cities I'm not really excited about. I'd rather spend my time enjoying how happy I am with my life, exactly as it is...and a big part of that happy is my current job.
So that's where I've been, emotionally. Then, two weeks ago, this peace was suddenly shattered by the idea that I'm not doing enough to get a full-time job as a librarian. I started hearing more and more from friends that have gotten positions and are moving to new states. I found out about a position open at the library I currently work at, but it was not advertised and only one part-time employee was considered (obviously not me). Currently, I am in a sudden funk, thinking that I should be looking for a job, any job, as a full-time librarian, that I might be deluding myself that I'm actually happy right now as is, that I'm going to never use my degree, that it's just fear and laziness that's keeping me in Pittsburgh.
Honestly, I'm 99% sure this is just a reaction to what I think I should want, what is good for the person I'm told I should be by that little voice in my head that is lead around by Want instead of Desire. I don't feel like I'm performing up to snuff, even though I am rather happy. For that voice in my head, happy is never enough.
Truth be told? I could be lead around the world by true Desire- by my calling, by a dream that had to be fulfilled. I would and will and do follow my bliss to the best of my ability. Do I think that being a librarian is my Desire, is a key to unlocking my passions and true calling? No. Do I feel that being a librarian is a key factor in following my bliss? No...in all honesty, no. Following my bliss, living my truth, has more to do with my spiritual life and practices, how I conduct myself, my relationships with others, etc. than it has to do with library science.
I'm doing my best to live what Staceyann Chin would call a holy life- I want authenticity and a connection between who I am and what I do. The person who would uproot herself from a city and community and a job she was happy with to pursue a position she needed to quiet demons in her own head? That's not the person I want to be.
And yet, I wonder if all of this is an elaborate justification.
