Staring Into The Abyss, Choosing Not To Ride The Ride: Loving The Sanity Of The 12 Steps

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I'm not sure where this post is going to go, but I do know that I need to write something about how I am feeling today, how grateful I am for the 12 Steps in dealing with my codependency, how grateful I am that recovery is possible, and how aware I am of the fragility of my codependent sobriety. This work has helped me notice when I'm staring into the abyss, and given me the tools to choose a different path.

I Has An Epiphany

I'm feeling epiphanated. Yes, that's a made up word - it means "a caffeinated epiphany" - but portmanteau creation is not the point of this post.

I stopped obsessing about romantic relationships in the summer of 2008. I took a year-and-a-day off of being focused on finding the Other, and instead, found myself. I went to therapy, broke many unhealthy relationship patterns, and learned that I loved being single. Now, four years later, I am in a healthy relationship that is headed toward marriage.

Many things changed in that sphere of my life, but all those changes can be boiled down to this: I let go of obsession and control.

Now that I'm working in a 12-Step Program for codependency, I realize I embraced the first three steps in that area of my life. I definitely admitted that my life had become unmanageable, I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, and I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the Gods. I didn't know it at the time, but for that year, I let those steps work on me.

So, back to epiphany: what if...what if I applied that same formula to other areas of my life that are unmanageable? What if I let go of obsession and control about employment/profession/following my bliss, or with physical health/weight gain? What if I decided to give up obsessing and trying to control in these areas?

I can say this: obsessing and trying to control in these areas of my life hasn't gotten me very far, and still, it's scary as fuck to say ok to letting go and letting life work on me. I stopped looking for a romantic relationship, not on a whim, but as a very specific challenge given to me by my spiritual mentor. Deciding to do this on my own, without "permission" from anyone else, would be a big step toward owning my own true power and releasing my death grip on life*.

I'm right on the edge of this, about to jump. It's just about time for another deep change.




*(more on why I have a death grip in a forthcoming post, "The Fourth Step and How It Socked My Nose Though I Was Intellectually Unconvinced of its Efficacy")

The Key Ingredient

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I've started the work of recovery, and it has opened a door I didn't know existed.

You may expect that skeletons were behind this door; but no, those skeletons dance out in the open, disguised as a normal life. What I did find was more like a map, or a key that turned the tumblers and opened my perspective. I tasted a familiar dish and found it different, changed.

The Road to Life

John William Waterhouse: The Danaïdes - 1903

‎"Is there another destiny for you? Do you choose a road that will take you to a place foreign to your own becoming? This question is sincere, it is not meant to deceive. No matter which road you take, you will become; but all roads do not lead to your becoming. If you think they do, it is you, not I, who is given to deception. All of your roads will end in death. Not all roads lead to life." ~ Cynthea Jones

Lots of personal work coming down the pipe lately, specifically relating to codependency in behavior and thought. The work is both gentler and deeper than what I have experienced in years past, heck, even in the recent past. It is more like a river wearing away rock than lighting taking out a tower, and I am thankful for that.

I've known I've had codependency issues for a long time. Early home life (which included living with a dry drunk and a codependent, a topic that will probably get its own blog post in the future) set a secure foundation for this pattern, but I've built the grand landscape I've been living in, and it's high time I made some architectural changes for better living conditions. It became abundantly clear to me that this is necessary and timely work a few weeks ago, and the Universe has conspired to get me moving through a variety of synchronistic events.

And so: I started reading "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie. The work is deep and appropriate and just challenging enough.

I am sure I will be able to write about this process with more depth and specifics at a future date. Today, however, it is enough to write that I am actively working on recovery.

Chop Wood, Carry Water, Shut Your Trap

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"…All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." ~Julian of Norwich

Litany Against Fear from the Bene Gesserit Rite

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total   obliteration.

I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
~Frank Herbert, Dune

What can I say about silence?

As a person dealing with codependency issues, silence is a currency I cannot make change in, withdrawal a tactic I am ill equipped to employ. I tumble words out of my mouth just to be reaching toward something...toward you, toward us, toward understanding, toward reconciliation, toward a continuation of connection, even if that connection is painful. Painful connection is, after all, still connection...right?