“Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person.”- Gloria Steinem
I was just thinking about where I’m currently at romantically after the Big Move of ‘08, and I realized something:
This is the only time I can remember in the last 12 years where I wasn’t in a relationship, pursuing a relationship, or infatuated with a boy.
I am somewhat appalled and somewhat fascinated. Going back just through my twenties, I dated Dane for three years, then dated and married Justin and was with him for 3 1/2 years, and then dated and lived with Jon for almost three years….no real breaks between them. From 16 to 19, I dated Bill and then after we broke that off for the third time I was involved in a lot of short, casual relationships…but I never took a break from being in love, or looking for a relationship, or being interested in a boy.
No wonder I have novels in my head that haven’t been written. No wonder I have paintings I haven’t painted and books I haven’t read and hobbies that I haven’t taken seriously. I’ve made the pursuit or the maintenance of love relationships a large part of my life for, well, the whole of my adult life. Yes, love relationships are important, but I can say now, and with a clear head, that not taking a break between relationships (at least between my major relationships with Dane and Justin and Jon) and always wanting to have someone to focus my attentions on wasn’t healthy for me in the past. Pursuit has taken me away from me, away from my own thoughts and desires, projects and plans. Pursuit is a really convenient way for me to avoid my own life.
So yeah, I spent 12 years looking for the right person. I’m going to try being the right person for a while, and we’ll see how that goes.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Ramblings on intimacy
Intimacy is not easy. It is not a feather flying on the wind. Intimacy is more like an ox plowing a field.
In general, it is easier to not be intimate, to not require things of others or allow requirements to be put upon the self; that is why the first flush of friendship or love appears light and freeing- there are no burdens to bear for each other. When a relationship is new, those that are in it are like wanderers who meet upon the road. There isn’t anything that they must carry for one another, as they have just met, and wouldn’t presume to give their hardships to a virtual stranger- thus, all that exists is the simple joy of piecing through the other’s baggage, playing at show and tell, bringing out the best treasures, learning what is inside the more glamorous packages. If the relationship is to continue, eventually the two travelers must get up and move on together; moving together, as a team, they will have to acknowledge and deal with the full load that the other carries. It cannot be avoided.
We may not realize that no matter how lightly we tread when first relating to a new person, eventually our interactions will pile up, multiply, and create the heft of living in relationship. Eventually, there will be requirements. Difficult things will be asked for. Expectations and obligations, often both joyful and painful, will sprout. On a long journey, we may be asked to shoulder things that are cumbersome, awkward, or downright maddening.
Intimacy is heavier than most of us would like it to be.
In general, it is easier to not be intimate, to not require things of others or allow requirements to be put upon the self; that is why the first flush of friendship or love appears light and freeing- there are no burdens to bear for each other. When a relationship is new, those that are in it are like wanderers who meet upon the road. There isn’t anything that they must carry for one another, as they have just met, and wouldn’t presume to give their hardships to a virtual stranger- thus, all that exists is the simple joy of piecing through the other’s baggage, playing at show and tell, bringing out the best treasures, learning what is inside the more glamorous packages. If the relationship is to continue, eventually the two travelers must get up and move on together; moving together, as a team, they will have to acknowledge and deal with the full load that the other carries. It cannot be avoided.
We may not realize that no matter how lightly we tread when first relating to a new person, eventually our interactions will pile up, multiply, and create the heft of living in relationship. Eventually, there will be requirements. Difficult things will be asked for. Expectations and obligations, often both joyful and painful, will sprout. On a long journey, we may be asked to shoulder things that are cumbersome, awkward, or downright maddening.
Intimacy is heavier than most of us would like it to be.
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