From Holy Hell to Holy

"I believe holy is what you do when there is nothing between your actions and the truth." - Staceyann Chin

"The world around you is being exchanged for things. For some of you, the days of your life are being exchanged for things. And still the hunger isn't satisfied. The desire still calls. The desire is deeper than wanting. And eventually you will know, deeply know, that it was not a thing that you hungered for, it was your own becoming. And it requires an entirely different process to feed that desire." - Cynthea Jones

I'm having a hard time distinguishing between hunger and true, life-changing desire. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure it's ok to relax where I'm at, to stop pushing myself toward something I'm not sure I want but that I'm told I should need.

Let me explain.

I just spent a lot of money on a master's degree, and I'm not working in my field. Well, that's not totally true. I am working part-time as a reference librarian, but I am not actively pursuing full-time library work. Why? Librarian positions in Pittsburgh are being cut right and left due to budgetary woes. In truth, Pittsburgh really isn't the place to be if you want to be a librarian.

But, I like Pittsburgh.

I applied for positions in other cities earlier this year, but I've stopped applying since I started my full-time position at Unnamed-Non-Profit. Frankly, I have precious little free-time now, and I don't want to spend it on lengthy application procedures for jobs I'm lukewarm about that are in cities I'm not really excited about. I'd rather spend my time enjoying how happy I am with my life, exactly as it is...and a big part of that happy is my current job.

So that's where I've been, emotionally. Then, two weeks ago, this peace was suddenly shattered by the idea that I'm not doing enough to get a full-time job as a librarian. I started hearing more and more from friends that have gotten positions and are moving to new states. I found out about a position open at the library I currently work at, but it was not advertised and only one part-time employee was considered (obviously not me). Currently, I am in a sudden funk, thinking that I should be looking for a job, any job, as a full-time librarian, that I might be deluding myself that I'm actually happy right now as is, that I'm going to never use my degree, that it's just fear and laziness that's keeping me in Pittsburgh.

Honestly, I'm 99% sure this is just a reaction to what I think I should want, what is good for the person I'm told I should be by that little voice in my head that is lead around by Want instead of Desire. I don't feel like I'm performing up to snuff, even though I am rather happy. For that voice in my head, happy is never enough.

Truth be told? I could be lead around the world by true Desire- by my calling, by a dream that had to be fulfilled. I would and will and do follow my bliss to the best of my ability. Do I think that being a librarian is my Desire, is a key to unlocking my passions and true calling? No. Do I feel that being a librarian is a key factor in following my bliss? No...in all honesty, no. Following my bliss, living my truth, has more to do with my spiritual life and practices, how I conduct myself, my relationships with others, etc. than it has to do with library science.

I'm doing my best to live what Staceyann Chin would call a holy life- I want authenticity and a connection between who I am and what I do. The person who would uproot herself from a city and community and a job she was happy with to pursue a position she needed to quiet demons in her own head? That's not the person I want to be.

And yet, I wonder if all of this is an elaborate justification.

A Proper Update

So, where to start. I guess I'll just start at the beginning, and when I come to the end, I'll stop.

Two Main Areas of Recent Change: Employment, Men-Folk

Employment:

I've been working part-time nights at a local university library, and I absolutely love it there. The environment is laid-back, my coworkers are awesome, and I'm gaining valuable experience in another academic environment. I can't say enough good things about working for this library.

I will be starting a full-time job on April 5th. No, it isn't a professional librarian position...or any position in a library. I will be working for a grassroots mental health advocacy organization as an administrator. Part of me feels weird that I finished a graduate degree in library science and am at another administration job...but to be fair, there are no professional librarian positions to be had in this fair city, employment has been difficult to obtain in other cities, and my heart is really set on staying in Pittsburgh. I feel really good about taking this position because 1) the organization seems interesting and the work is important 2) I will gain valuable non-profit administration and event planning experience, and 3) it's work I can feel good about at the end of the day. When I take my ego out of the equation, I am very pleased with how things turned out.

My overall plan is to keep working part-time for the library while working full-time, which will have me putting in 53 hours a week. This may be too exhausting (the library hours are pretty late) but I'm going to give it a shot, and hope that it is doable.

Menfolk:

After almost 2 years without any serious commitments to anyone, I have a boyfriend. Yes, people, I am exclusively dating someone. It is worth noting that I am not so freaked out by this change, as it is pretty sudden (we only dated for a little over a month before deciding to make it an official relationship) and we both have the normal sorts of baggage that people pick up in the "risking-loving-losing-loving again" game that is part of life as emotional and sexual beings. I suppose I just feel more stable now than I've ever felt before, and that stability is located inside of me instead of being buttressed from without. I'm confident that I'm going to keep to my boundaries and hold to my non-negotiables, and that also adds to my general feeling of calm.

So yeah...again, She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...sometimes slowly, and sometimes faster than one expects. :P