"I believe holy is what you do when there is nothing between your actions and the truth." - Staceyann Chin
"The world around you is being exchanged for things. For some of you, the days of your life are being exchanged for things. And still the hunger isn't satisfied. The desire still calls. The desire is deeper than wanting. And eventually you will know, deeply know, that it was not a thing that you hungered for, it was your own becoming. And it requires an entirely different process to feed that desire." - Cynthea Jones
I'm having a hard time distinguishing between hunger and true, life-changing desire. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure it's ok to relax where I'm at, to stop pushing myself toward something I'm not sure I want but that I'm told I should need.
Let me explain.
I just spent a lot of money on a master's degree, and I'm not working in my field. Well, that's not totally true. I am working part-time as a reference librarian, but I am not actively pursuing full-time library work. Why? Librarian positions in Pittsburgh are being cut right and left due to budgetary woes. In truth, Pittsburgh really isn't the place to be if you want to be a librarian.
But, I like Pittsburgh.
I applied for positions in other cities earlier this year, but I've stopped applying since I started my full-time position at Unnamed-Non-Profit. Frankly, I have precious little free-time now, and I don't want to spend it on lengthy application procedures for jobs I'm lukewarm about that are in cities I'm not really excited about. I'd rather spend my time enjoying how happy I am with my life, exactly as it is...and a big part of that happy is my current job.
So that's where I've been, emotionally. Then, two weeks ago, this peace was suddenly shattered by the idea that I'm not doing enough to get a full-time job as a librarian. I started hearing more and more from friends that have gotten positions and are moving to new states. I found out about a position open at the library I currently work at, but it was not advertised and only one part-time employee was considered (obviously not me). Currently, I am in a sudden funk, thinking that I should be looking for a job, any job, as a full-time librarian, that I might be deluding myself that I'm actually happy right now as is, that I'm going to never use my degree, that it's just fear and laziness that's keeping me in Pittsburgh.
Honestly, I'm 99% sure this is just a reaction to what I think I should want, what is good for the person I'm told I should be by that little voice in my head that is lead around by Want instead of Desire. I don't feel like I'm performing up to snuff, even though I am rather happy. For that voice in my head, happy is never enough.
Truth be told? I could be lead around the world by true Desire- by my calling, by a dream that had to be fulfilled. I would and will and do follow my bliss to the best of my ability. Do I think that being a librarian is my Desire, is a key to unlocking my passions and true calling? No. Do I feel that being a librarian is a key factor in following my bliss? No...in all honesty, no. Following my bliss, living my truth, has more to do with my spiritual life and practices, how I conduct myself, my relationships with others, etc. than it has to do with library science.
I'm doing my best to live what Staceyann Chin would call a holy life- I want authenticity and a connection between who I am and what I do. The person who would uproot herself from a city and community and a job she was happy with to pursue a position she needed to quiet demons in her own head? That's not the person I want to be.
And yet, I wonder if all of this is an elaborate justification.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Eventually the pendulum will swing back...
I'm a pretty harsh taskmaster.
I spent a good part of today berating myself for not getting up early to do pushups and situps and yoga. I spent a good part of yesterday telling my therapist about how I feel like a hypocrite for not living up to my own standards regarding relationships. Generally, I spend a good part of every day feeling like I should be doing more, producing more, getting farther, being kinder, arriving earlier, sleeping less, writing more...and the list goes on.
The problem? Well, aside from the anxiety, it's that I'm starting to bore myself. The dishes are always done and the bed is made and I've counted my calories I have it all together but all together is a freakin' snooze-fest. Perfectionism is stultifying and stagnating. Still, I know total chaos isn't much better...so what's a girl to do?
Balance is a bitch.
I spent a good part of today berating myself for not getting up early to do pushups and situps and yoga. I spent a good part of yesterday telling my therapist about how I feel like a hypocrite for not living up to my own standards regarding relationships. Generally, I spend a good part of every day feeling like I should be doing more, producing more, getting farther, being kinder, arriving earlier, sleeping less, writing more...and the list goes on.
The problem? Well, aside from the anxiety, it's that I'm starting to bore myself. The dishes are always done and the bed is made and I've counted my calories I have it all together but all together is a freakin' snooze-fest. Perfectionism is stultifying and stagnating. Still, I know total chaos isn't much better...so what's a girl to do?
Balance is a bitch.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
More Ink?
I can't believe I am saying this, but I am seriously contemplating getting a tattoo on my inner wrist that says the following:
"Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?"
I was pretty certain that I was done with tattooing after my back piece...but this idea keeps floating around my head. I also want to get "Know Thyself" tattooed underneath my labyrinth.
I will sit on this idea for about a year, methinks. That's enough time to see if I seriously want to add anything to my body art.
"Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?"
I was pretty certain that I was done with tattooing after my back piece...but this idea keeps floating around my head. I also want to get "Know Thyself" tattooed underneath my labyrinth.
I will sit on this idea for about a year, methinks. That's enough time to see if I seriously want to add anything to my body art.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
After a patently poopy Wednesday...
I'm feeling better today.
Yesterday wasn't my best day. I had the beginnings of some sort of sinus infection/head cold/intolerable illness that gave me a mild fever and a horrible headache, and I also stumbled upon some news that reduced me to a little ball of green-eyed monster. I spent the day physically, mentally, and emotionally miserable.
Upside? The Physical: I got some rest, and I feel better today. The Mental/Emotional: I was very aware of the jealousy and really examined the thoughts that got me to that place. All this mindfulness work actually works- imagine that!
Yesterday wasn't my best day. I had the beginnings of some sort of sinus infection/head cold/intolerable illness that gave me a mild fever and a horrible headache, and I also stumbled upon some news that reduced me to a little ball of green-eyed monster. I spent the day physically, mentally, and emotionally miserable.
Upside? The Physical: I got some rest, and I feel better today. The Mental/Emotional: I was very aware of the jealousy and really examined the thoughts that got me to that place. All this mindfulness work actually works- imagine that!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
And now, a bit of the over-personal rambling...
After dating for as long as I've been dating (15 years) I find it tempting to mentally create the perfect partner, to pine for a person who is the sum of all the qualities I can cherry-pick from previous partners. "Eventually, someone will show up that is as kind as _________ and as sexually adventurous as ____________ and as emotionally demonstrative as ___________ and as handsome as ____________ and as interested in spirituality as _______________" etc. etc. etc. and really? It doesn't work that way. Well, I truly hope it doesn't.
This post is sponsored by a very interesting conversation I had with S today over breakfast at Square Cafe*. She and I were having a long and deep conversation about romantic relationships, and she commented about how confident I am about what I deserve and who I want to be with romantically. My off-the-cuff response was that I learned to have high expectations of relationships after living with J...and I couldn't believe I said it, out loud, and that it was true...just as true as all the muck I had to wallow through to get out the other side of the long, dark tunnel of pain that was also our relationship.
Of course, there were many things that were non-optimal about the relationship...but there were good things, too. As with anyone, there were broken things and not-so-broken things and amazing, shiny things. To ignore any of it would be to not experience the full, bittersweet picture. In many ways, I will probably never have as good a partner as J...and in many ways, other partners will far surpass him. He is human, after all, just like me. I (like everyone else) am a piece of cake, a pie in the face, and all the stages in between.
I like my relationships this way. I like complex flavors, the depth created by some darkness, the moon peeking out from behind constantly moving clouds. To use a food metaphor: I find milk chocolate cloying; instead, I prefer the bitter of a good piece of dark chocolate. The taste encourages me stop and think; it gives me pause. I don't gobble it up right away because I want to taste all the nuances.
I think I would be bored to death if I found exactly what I was looking for in any area of my life. I also suspect that my sometimes-desire to find this Frankenstein Monster of Perfection is based in my fear that I won't be able to negotiate the choppy waters of Not Exactly What I Want. In truth, I'm pretty good at determining what differences I can tolerate, but I fear that I will end up somehow compromising on things that really matter, living in the dark tunnel instead of sometimes traveling through it, carrying out valuable lessons learned.
When I let go of that fear, I can see how exciting the unknown is, and how exciting each unknown person can be. What will I learn? What depth will be added to my character from our interactions? How will I be changed?
That last one is a biggie. Allowing myself to be changed...not just by another person, but by the living of life...that's sometimes hard. Who am I kidding, that's most-of-the-time hard. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of this fear is rooted in my denial of impermanence, specifically the impermanence of me, of this construction I call Self, of this shifting dance of I and me and mine. She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...and that, to me, translates to groundlessness.
Scary? Exhilarating? Both?
Sweet Fancy Moses. Now there's the Work.
*Having said all of this, I think this post wasn't only prompted by my breakfast conversation but also by this post. It moved me to tears when I first read it, and has been on my mind for the past few days.
This post is sponsored by a very interesting conversation I had with S today over breakfast at Square Cafe*. She and I were having a long and deep conversation about romantic relationships, and she commented about how confident I am about what I deserve and who I want to be with romantically. My off-the-cuff response was that I learned to have high expectations of relationships after living with J...and I couldn't believe I said it, out loud, and that it was true...just as true as all the muck I had to wallow through to get out the other side of the long, dark tunnel of pain that was also our relationship.
Of course, there were many things that were non-optimal about the relationship...but there were good things, too. As with anyone, there were broken things and not-so-broken things and amazing, shiny things. To ignore any of it would be to not experience the full, bittersweet picture. In many ways, I will probably never have as good a partner as J...and in many ways, other partners will far surpass him. He is human, after all, just like me. I (like everyone else) am a piece of cake, a pie in the face, and all the stages in between.
I like my relationships this way. I like complex flavors, the depth created by some darkness, the moon peeking out from behind constantly moving clouds. To use a food metaphor: I find milk chocolate cloying; instead, I prefer the bitter of a good piece of dark chocolate. The taste encourages me stop and think; it gives me pause. I don't gobble it up right away because I want to taste all the nuances.
I think I would be bored to death if I found exactly what I was looking for in any area of my life. I also suspect that my sometimes-desire to find this Frankenstein Monster of Perfection is based in my fear that I won't be able to negotiate the choppy waters of Not Exactly What I Want. In truth, I'm pretty good at determining what differences I can tolerate, but I fear that I will end up somehow compromising on things that really matter, living in the dark tunnel instead of sometimes traveling through it, carrying out valuable lessons learned.
When I let go of that fear, I can see how exciting the unknown is, and how exciting each unknown person can be. What will I learn? What depth will be added to my character from our interactions? How will I be changed?
That last one is a biggie. Allowing myself to be changed...not just by another person, but by the living of life...that's sometimes hard. Who am I kidding, that's most-of-the-time hard. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of this fear is rooted in my denial of impermanence, specifically the impermanence of me, of this construction I call Self, of this shifting dance of I and me and mine. She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...and that, to me, translates to groundlessness.
Scary? Exhilarating? Both?
Sweet Fancy Moses. Now there's the Work.
*Having said all of this, I think this post wasn't only prompted by my breakfast conversation but also by this post. It moved me to tears when I first read it, and has been on my mind for the past few days.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Movin' On Up...to Friendship
It appears that my time in the Hag Hole (aka my wee basement abode) is coming to a close- I have signed on a new apartment that I will be sharing with a friend, B. It is going to be more cost effective to live with another person, and I will have the added bonus of having a person around to talk to, make food with, watch the dog, etc. I feel positive about the change, though I must admit some anxiety about moving to a new place and discovering all the previously hidden potential problems (leaky faucets, crappy neighbors and the like).
In truth, it's time for me to get less literal in my quest to carve out space for myself. My Hermit year fast approaches, and it feels totally appropriate to make this transition now.
More on this later!
In truth, it's time for me to get less literal in my quest to carve out space for myself. My Hermit year fast approaches, and it feels totally appropriate to make this transition now.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Holy Shit, What a Quote!
Anaïs Nin blows my mind.
"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." ~Anaïs Nin
"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." ~Anaïs Nin
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A Good Therapist: Worth Her Weight in Gold
I saw Annie (my therapist) today after not seeing her for about a month. It was great to report that life is good and that I feel healthy and centered.
I must admit, I do feel pretty darn fantastic. Not a manic-fantastic, the type that comes on quickly and is usually centered around circumstances, but a deep-in-the-gut fantastic that feels more like acceptance and quiet joy. It's been two years since I started therapy, and my life has changed dramatically. Though it hasn't been easy, therapy has been one of the (if not *the*) most rewarding experiences of my life.
Anyways, I spent most of my therapy session thanking Annie for being with me during such an important time, and for never giving up on me. She has been such an important piece of all the work that I've been doing, work that probably wouldn't have progressed very far if I hadn't had her around, prodding me to look deeply into my shit. I will always look to her as a person whose presence in my life was pivotal and integral to my growth.
Huzzah, Annie! You rock, and have helped me to rock, too!
I must admit, I do feel pretty darn fantastic. Not a manic-fantastic, the type that comes on quickly and is usually centered around circumstances, but a deep-in-the-gut fantastic that feels more like acceptance and quiet joy. It's been two years since I started therapy, and my life has changed dramatically. Though it hasn't been easy, therapy has been one of the (if not *the*) most rewarding experiences of my life.
Anyways, I spent most of my therapy session thanking Annie for being with me during such an important time, and for never giving up on me. She has been such an important piece of all the work that I've been doing, work that probably wouldn't have progressed very far if I hadn't had her around, prodding me to look deeply into my shit. I will always look to her as a person whose presence in my life was pivotal and integral to my growth.
Huzzah, Annie! You rock, and have helped me to rock, too!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Rattling About In My Head
"Is there another destiny for you? Do you choose a road that will take you to a place foreign to your own becoming? This question is sincere, it is not meant to deceive. No matter which road you take, you will become; but all roads do not lead to your becoming. If you think they do, it is you, not I, who is given to deception. All of your roads will end in death. Not all roads lead to life." ~ Cynthea Jones, "Six Seeds" (Diana's Grove's 2010 April Mystery School packet, p. 4)
This quote is haunting me, and I know why. I'm trying to split my time between a road that leads to life and other roads. I would say I'm about 75% on the road I want to be on, and 25% of me is hanging out elsewhere. There's an obvious need to pause for an integrity assessment.
This quote is haunting me, and I know why. I'm trying to split my time between a road that leads to life and other roads. I would say I'm about 75% on the road I want to be on, and 25% of me is hanging out elsewhere. There's an obvious need to pause for an integrity assessment.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Heads Up!
Yes, I have pulled a disappearing act. I've been rather busy as of late, trying to juggle a brand-new full-time job (that's hosting it's annual conference next week, yikes!), a part-time job (wherein I work 8:30pm-midnight two weekdays and 6pm-midnight on Sunday), and a new relationship. Life is good and very, very busy.
So, if you miss me, shoot me an email. I probably miss you too! :)
So, if you miss me, shoot me an email. I probably miss you too! :)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
A Proper Update
So, where to start. I guess I'll just start at the beginning, and when I come to the end, I'll stop.
Two Main Areas of Recent Change: Employment, Men-Folk
Employment:
I've been working part-time nights at a local university library, and I absolutely love it there. The environment is laid-back, my coworkers are awesome, and I'm gaining valuable experience in another academic environment. I can't say enough good things about working for this library.
I will be starting a full-time job on April 5th. No, it isn't a professional librarian position...or any position in a library. I will be working for a grassroots mental health advocacy organization as an administrator. Part of me feels weird that I finished a graduate degree in library science and am at another administration job...but to be fair, there are no professional librarian positions to be had in this fair city, employment has been difficult to obtain in other cities, and my heart is really set on staying in Pittsburgh. I feel really good about taking this position because 1) the organization seems interesting and the work is important 2) I will gain valuable non-profit administration and event planning experience, and 3) it's work I can feel good about at the end of the day. When I take my ego out of the equation, I am very pleased with how things turned out.
My overall plan is to keep working part-time for the library while working full-time, which will have me putting in 53 hours a week. This may be too exhausting (the library hours are pretty late) but I'm going to give it a shot, and hope that it is doable.
Menfolk:
After almost 2 years without any serious commitments to anyone, I have a boyfriend. Yes, people, I am exclusively dating someone. It is worth noting that I am not so freaked out by this change, as it is pretty sudden (we only dated for a little over a month before deciding to make it an official relationship) and we both have the normal sorts of baggage that people pick up in the "risking-loving-losing-loving again" game that is part of life as emotional and sexual beings. I suppose I just feel more stable now than I've ever felt before, and that stability is located inside of me instead of being buttressed from without. I'm confident that I'm going to keep to my boundaries and hold to my non-negotiables, and that also adds to my general feeling of calm.
So yeah...again, She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...sometimes slowly, and sometimes faster than one expects. :P
Two Main Areas of Recent Change: Employment, Men-Folk
Employment:
I've been working part-time nights at a local university library, and I absolutely love it there. The environment is laid-back, my coworkers are awesome, and I'm gaining valuable experience in another academic environment. I can't say enough good things about working for this library.
I will be starting a full-time job on April 5th. No, it isn't a professional librarian position...or any position in a library. I will be working for a grassroots mental health advocacy organization as an administrator. Part of me feels weird that I finished a graduate degree in library science and am at another administration job...but to be fair, there are no professional librarian positions to be had in this fair city, employment has been difficult to obtain in other cities, and my heart is really set on staying in Pittsburgh. I feel really good about taking this position because 1) the organization seems interesting and the work is important 2) I will gain valuable non-profit administration and event planning experience, and 3) it's work I can feel good about at the end of the day. When I take my ego out of the equation, I am very pleased with how things turned out.
My overall plan is to keep working part-time for the library while working full-time, which will have me putting in 53 hours a week. This may be too exhausting (the library hours are pretty late) but I'm going to give it a shot, and hope that it is doable.
Menfolk:
After almost 2 years without any serious commitments to anyone, I have a boyfriend. Yes, people, I am exclusively dating someone. It is worth noting that I am not so freaked out by this change, as it is pretty sudden (we only dated for a little over a month before deciding to make it an official relationship) and we both have the normal sorts of baggage that people pick up in the "risking-loving-losing-loving again" game that is part of life as emotional and sexual beings. I suppose I just feel more stable now than I've ever felt before, and that stability is located inside of me instead of being buttressed from without. I'm confident that I'm going to keep to my boundaries and hold to my non-negotiables, and that also adds to my general feeling of calm.
So yeah...again, She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...sometimes slowly, and sometimes faster than one expects. :P
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Lou Andreas-Salomé on the nature of relationships...
"Whoever reaches into a rosebush may seize a handful of flowers; but no matter how many one holds, it's only a small portion of the whole. Nevertheless, a handful is enough to experience the nature of the flowers. Only if we refuse to reach into the bush, because we can't possibly seize all the flowers at once, or if we spread out our handful of roses as if it were the whole of the bush itself -- only then does it bloom apart from us, unknown to us, and we are left alone." - Lou Andreas-Salomé
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Conscious Choice
Ask Much, The Voice Suggested
~ Jane Hirshfield, After ~
Ask much, the voice suggested, and I startled.
Feeling my body like the trembling body of a horse
tied to its tree while the strange noise
passes over its ears.
I who in extremity had always wanted less,
even of eating, of sleeping.
Agile, the voice did not speak again, but waited.
"Want more" --
a cure for longing I had not thought of.
But that is how it is with wells.
Whatever is taken refills to the steady level.
The voice agreed, though softly, to quiet the feet of the horse:
a cup taken out, a cup reappears; a bucketful taken, a bucket.
Some friendships are priceless, as they allow me to not only talk plainly about that which I am normally silent about, but also help build and expand upon my feelings and ideas, bringing coherence. My friendship with JH is one of those friendships. Talking on Monday night about moments of transition, moments that decide a path or a life, he used a metaphor that I really like: if one is riding a bike up a hill, coming to the crest, and needing to decide whether or not to continue down the other side of the hill, knowing the path would take off into the forest and most likely out of sight of the main road, what can be decided? It is possible to turn back at the crest, to ride back to the main road...but if one doesn't, if one continues down the path that leads out of sight of the pack, it can be done just because that's where the momentum leads...or it can be done with conscious choice.
This conversation couldn't have come at a better time. I've been feeling more than a bit alienated and lost lately- definitely like I'm off on a path through the forest. I can see down the hill in front of me, and I've been feeling like I couldn't do anything but just continue down the hill because the momentum was already carrying me down. Without thinking about my ability to choose, this ride was starting to feel overwhelming and scary. Thinking about choice, and remembering that I've been choosing this all along...well, it makes it less scary/more empowering. It reminds me of my purpose. I am hanging out in the air, reaching for the next trapeze bar, with purpose. I am choosing to grab the next bar, even though that means being suspended in the air, uncomfortable and uncertain.
Good friends and conscious choice for the win :)
~ Jane Hirshfield, After ~
Ask much, the voice suggested, and I startled.
Feeling my body like the trembling body of a horse
tied to its tree while the strange noise
passes over its ears.
I who in extremity had always wanted less,
even of eating, of sleeping.
Agile, the voice did not speak again, but waited.
"Want more" --
a cure for longing I had not thought of.
But that is how it is with wells.
Whatever is taken refills to the steady level.
The voice agreed, though softly, to quiet the feet of the horse:
a cup taken out, a cup reappears; a bucketful taken, a bucket.
Some friendships are priceless, as they allow me to not only talk plainly about that which I am normally silent about, but also help build and expand upon my feelings and ideas, bringing coherence. My friendship with JH is one of those friendships. Talking on Monday night about moments of transition, moments that decide a path or a life, he used a metaphor that I really like: if one is riding a bike up a hill, coming to the crest, and needing to decide whether or not to continue down the other side of the hill, knowing the path would take off into the forest and most likely out of sight of the main road, what can be decided? It is possible to turn back at the crest, to ride back to the main road...but if one doesn't, if one continues down the path that leads out of sight of the pack, it can be done just because that's where the momentum leads...or it can be done with conscious choice.
This conversation couldn't have come at a better time. I've been feeling more than a bit alienated and lost lately- definitely like I'm off on a path through the forest. I can see down the hill in front of me, and I've been feeling like I couldn't do anything but just continue down the hill because the momentum was already carrying me down. Without thinking about my ability to choose, this ride was starting to feel overwhelming and scary. Thinking about choice, and remembering that I've been choosing this all along...well, it makes it less scary/more empowering. It reminds me of my purpose. I am hanging out in the air, reaching for the next trapeze bar, with purpose. I am choosing to grab the next bar, even though that means being suspended in the air, uncomfortable and uncertain.
Good friends and conscious choice for the win :)
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