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The seed that is to grow
must lose itself as seed;
And they that creep
may graduate through
chrysalis to wings.
Wilt thou then, O mortal,
cling to husks which
falsely seem to you
the self?
~Wu Ming Fu, Twelfth Century
It's not so much about being prepared for death as it is being full of life. I want to be so well practiced in crossing thresholds that dying is merely another step in the dance. i want to be so comfortable with stillness and silence that I can root in them. ~ Dawna Markova, "I Will Not Die an Unlived Life"
Admittedly, I can be a turd. I am not always Suzy Sunshine and I am definitely not the person who always looks on the positive side of things. I generally think of myself as a Refreshingly Honest Person, but sometimes I overshoot and I end up being an Oversharing Bummer of a Person.
I have come to find that all I need to turn my attitude around is a little health scare.
I don't really want to go into what exactly is going on, as I am still waiting on tests and results and the wise words of my local shaman/doctorish person. I can say that I am a lot less scared and freaked out, and that things appear to not be pointing toward my early demise.
I do, however, want to go into what this health scare has said to me, quite insistently. As I was laying around, thinking about what I would do if the Worst Possible Thing were to happen, a small voice inside my head cried out optimistically, "Well, you could stop..." and then listed off a ton of things that I do with my time and my life that I just don't want to do.
Things that made the List of Things I Could Stop:
- Worrying about what everybody else thinks all the time
- Worrying about money
- Spending time with people that don't engage me, or that I'm not invested in
- Limiting my solitude
- Buying so much stuff
- Thinking "what if"
- Living my life in the "just in case" mode
- Living afraid all the time
All bullshit aside, I have walked away with this: I don't have to court illness to bring freedom into my life. I can do all of these things now, without Impending Doom hanging over my head, and that might just be the way to live a full and clean and healthy life, no matter how long that life ends up being.
I bow to you, scary life moment. You have been a wise teacher.
